Out of Sorts

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts.  Discombobulated.  More stressed than usual.  I just don’t know why this is happening.  Nothing has changed drastically, I still have a wonderful family with a crazy schedule, yet I’m not enjoying everything the way I usually do.

Maybe it is because we have one extra parent club, and that just sent me over the edge.  Maybe I’m worried about how to cover all the upcoming expenses.  Maybe I don’t eat enough chocolate.  No, I’m pretty sure I eat way too much chocolate.  Whatever the reason I am ready for it to stop.

Driving into work today I realized my supervisor stressed me out.  A few weeks ago my team was at lunch.  I am the only person who drives, everyone else takes the bus.  I really like my alone time in the car listening to music because it helps me transition.  The day we were at lunch I had been late due to freeway accidents, and so had one of my co-workers.  My supervisor actually said that if someone rides the bus and they are late it isn’t their fault because they have no control over driving the bus, but if you drive yourself you just need to leave earlier and plan better.  Because I have control over traffic, right?  This morning traffic was awful and I started to grip the steering wheel more and check the time more, which is not usual for me.  I realized right then that her comment really made my drive in a lot more stressful.

I leave at the same time every day, and today I actually left early.  If I am late because traffic is bad I stay later.  I don’t make a habit of coming in late and trying to leave early.  Yet now, even though it took me a while to realize it, I am suddenly hyper-aware of traffic, accidents, what time I leave and what time I make it in the door at work.  I really like my job, so this new piece of stress just makes me see my supervisor in a bad light.

That isn’t the only cause of course, but at least I identified something new.  I’m pretty sure the situation with my Mom is a major cause, but one I’m not yet willing to work with.  I can beat myself up enough, Thank You.  The girls, being teenagers, can of course be a part of my wanting to crawl in bed and hide under the covers, but they haven’t been too bad lately.  I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.

I know that everyone goes through cycles, and I am probably just in a down cycle as far as mood.  I still find many happy moments in my days, and I laugh a lot.  So I can’t be doing too bad.  I just feel that I lost some of my Pollyanna, and I’d like to have her back.

Quit Being a Work Jerk

I understand the difficulty of working in a place undergoing change. You hear vague rumors, or concrete conversations of where administrators would like things to go, but until a plan is rolled out, it is all speculation. I look at this kind of thing as the time to sit back and watch it all unfold. Others look at it as a time to come down on everyone in the workplace, and to assert their dominance.

Personally, I feel like one of the few constants that can be depended on is change. I wake up in the morning and change is already happening, because my today isn’t going to be like yesterday no matter how much I plan it. And it’s not like I’m great with change. Husband despaired of me ever being able to “go with the flow” in the early days of our relationship. I still like to have everything planned out, but I am also able to go with change much better these days.

What is irritating is people who are afraid of or don’t like the changes that seem to be coming in the workplace. That is fine, have your doubts and your negativity, but don’t put it onto me. People who are supposed to be professional (but usually aren’t) and who are supposed to be leading are some of the worst. I’m sorry you feel like your job is suddenly at risk of becoming something you might not like, but talking down to me and treating me in a dismissive and disdainful manner isn’t going to change anything. And I’m not the only one noticing the behavior.

I really like my job, and the organization I work for. I like my supervisor and my co-workers. But with things looking like a change is coming, people are getting noticeably more cranky. I understand it, but I can’t approve the behavior. Some of the problem may also stem from private life stuff. Which I don’t want to know about. I don’t usually have crankiness related to Husband and the girls, but when I do I don’t talk about it at work, and I also am very careful to not be abusive to co-workers because of it. Unfortunately not everyone does that. Again, I understand, because life intertwines and difficulties overlap, but if you are mad at a decision maker or your spouse, I’m not thrilled to be the stand-in.

Obviously today has been a day. In the last few weeks there have been more of them, and I don’t see an end coming very soon. I took this job knowing I wouldn’t be a decision maker, which was fine, I was ready for the change. Today, well, I still don’t want to change my job, or go back to what I used to do, but it would be nice if for one day it was acceptable to behave in the manner others are, just to give it back to them. But it isn’t, and I really want to be bigger than that. Really, I do.