Being Broken

On Sunday I stood in my living room looking around.  Husband had swept and cleaned, and tackled several cleaning projects.  He is wonderful, and I am lucky to be married to him.  I was seeing things I really needed to tackle, like paperwork, and putting some pictures back on the piano.  But, I had progressed to a sinus infection, so I was pretty useless, and mostly laid on the recliner trying to breathe and get rid of the head pain.

About 4.5 years ago my health problems started, and so far they haven’t stopped.  I don’t look like anything is wrong (okay, this weekend I looked fairly pathetic), because my problems aren’t the kind that you can look at me and see.  I swear I get worse each year.  But I visit all my “ologists” and take my medication, and feel grateful I am able to go to work and get to the girls activities.  I try to stay optimistic, and be happy for what I can do, and not dwell on what I can’t fix.

But some days it hits me, and I think it did on Sunday.  I could push a broom, vacuum, do a heavy duty scrubbing of the kitchen, or other things along those lines.  I wouldn’t be able to walk when I was done, and I’d be in a lot of pain and have a lousy week afterwards.  So I don’t do those things.  But I used to, and I’d like to be able to do them again.  As I said, Husband is great and he picks up a lot of that stuff, because I can’t.  And he does a fabulous job.  But, strange as it sounds, I miss being able to keep my house clean.

A lot of people have medical issues that can’t be seen, and look fine, but aren’t.  I’m sure they get as frustrated as I do at times at what can’t be done.  People who know me understand, and are aware of my limitations.  I don’t like that I can’t walk for long distances, that shopping with the girls at the mall will wear me out, and that I have to plan for how I’ll feel when we do car trips or are in bleachers all day.  I don’t like that the recliner is a good friend.  I don’t like how all these medical issues have changed my life.

I used to accomplish so much on the weekends.  Now, I see things I’d like to do, but by the time I’ve done what I need to do I’m just not up to doing what I want to do.  And need to do isn’t much; laundry, bills, going to watch the girls.  The weekends I get the counters and sink scrubbed down a bit are great, but there aren’t enough of them.  I’d love to do a major cleaning of my bathroom, but since only Husband and I are in it, well, it’s last on the list.  By the time I get home after work, and maybe go to the store, I’m done and ready to collapse.

I have more good days than bad, although the last six months haven’t been good health-wise.  I have a Husband and daughters that love me, and I have friends who would be happy to help if I ever needed it.  The dogs and cats love that I’m in the recliner so much, and happily sit on my lap to be pet and keep me company.  Even the teenagers I don’t own are willing to help out if they see I need it, and some of them have yelled at me for getting up when they could have done something for me.

So, I have a lot of positives in my life, far more then negatives.  It’s still easy, especially when I’m not feeling well, to see more of the bad then the good.  So I can’t clean my house, well, then it gets messy.  I don’t think people talk to me because of my housekeeping skills.  For all the things I can’t do, I need to remember that what is really important is being the best wife and mother I can.  I make my family my priority, and for the most part don’t dwell on the stuff I can’t change.  So tonight I am going to go home, and hug my family, and let them know how much I love them.  Because that is what is important in the end.