Not Sure What to Think

I’m not sure if I was insulted or complimented this morning.

It took me over an hour to get to work, which is kind of stressful.  I’m not really enjoying my new work hours because the drive is so bad.  But, I made it to the parking lot, parked, zipped up my too big jacket, slung my lunch bag and purse over my shoulder, and started the walk to the building.

I have to cross a major street to get from the parking lot to my work building.  Today it is really windy, so all my very long hair was blowing everywhere.  I kind of got it under control by the time I got to the stoplight.  Where I was standing, waiting for the light to change so I could cross.

Along comes this truck with a business logo, with a man in it.  He slowed down, was looking at me, and honked his horn.  I was the only one at the stoplight at that time.  I looked at the guy as he drove away and thought “Really?  Did that just happen?”

I’m in my late 40’s.  I’ll be married 20 years next month.  I don’t think of myself (and probably never did) as someone guys in trucks honk at.  I may think of myself as a hot mess, but not a hot mama (as one of my friends said I was in commenting about this).

Not knowing a thing about this man, except he is someone who will honk at a lone woman at a stoplight, I guess I should take it as a compliment.  As Husband says, it is always best to assume good intentions, and I think that can apply to this situation.  And it’s better than getting a creepy feeling, which is the other way this can go.

So today, I am a Hot Mama! Let the day continue on!

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Emotional

I’ve had a lot of emotions in the past 24 hours.  It happens when the unexpected happens.  I’ve cried more than I expected, but then I didn’t expect to cry.  I’ve laughed a lot too.  I’ve worried.  I’ve been confused.  I don’t think I’ve been angry, which is good.

Life throws a lot at us.  I’ve had a lot thrown at me lately, which seems okay, because you’re given what you can handle.  So obviously I can handle it.  And I have Husband right by my side, and together we’ve managed to figure it out.  But what if it might be out of our control?

I have a lot of questions I can’t answer today, that no one can answer.  There will be answers, I just have to wait.  Which is difficult.  And I’m not really all that patient.  And I think I might be scared, a little.  If I let myself think.  Which I’m trying not to.

The Same, But Different

People often tell me how much my girls look like each other.  Or have the same mannerisms, or even personality.  When Little One went from contacts to glasses, at school the next day she heard from everyone how much she looked like her big sister.  People who know Little One first will tell Oldest One how much she looks like her little sister when they meet her.  I know the girls don’t mind when people say that, so I always smile, and say they do resemble each other/have the same smile/wave the same way.  And they do.  But, they don’t.

It’s obvious they are related, but as their Mom I see the differences.  I really don’t think they look alike, even though they do.  I see them with totally different personalities, even though they have a lot of the same quirks.  I’m sure it is because I’m their Mom that I see all the differences, and that I want to celebrate their differences, even as I think it is great people see them as so similar.

As the Mom, I’ve learned that it’s important I do see their differences.  The other day Little One had her friend over, and they were watching TV in the family room with me.  They were watching Sponge Bob, and the commercials were all toys for younger kids, so I make a joke about the age of the viewer being targeted and her age.  Oldest One would have come back with some smart remark, and on we would go trying to up each other with remarks, and laughing.  Little One got mad right away, turned off the TV, and took her friend upstairs.

I’ve always tried to be very fair with the girls, and make sure I meet their needs in the best way for them, and not their sister.  But no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t always work.  And, as I saw the other day, even how I joke with them needs to be different.  I don’t see that as a bad thing, just something I need to be mindful of.  I want my girls to grow up to be strong woman who believe in themselves and their capabilities.  I don’t want to ever make one feel inferior to the other, or that they have to be each other.

Yesterday I let Little One pick the movie (one of the too many Hallmark Holiday movies we’ve got on the DVR) and we had a great time watching the movie, getting mad at the mean character, and cheering for the main character.  We even made plans to do hot chocolate one night this week.  Oldest One would not have liked the movie, been bored, and started on her phone.  She would have been completely on board for the hot chocolate.  Different kids, different likes.

I’m glad the girls don’t mind other people seeing how alike they look and act.  I’m glad they are close enough that they even point it out to others.  I just need to remember, and embrace, their differences, so that they feel understood and loved for what makes them special as individuals.

Stupid Idiot Woman

Computer issues have kept me busy for the past 2 days, and unable to use my laptop. Since I’m trapped in the recliner, the laptop is my lifeline for everything.  I’m pretty sure it caught the virus from the pop-up ads that kept appearing when I was reading my favorite cartoon…I was a month behind.  I’ll have to find a new place to read it, since I don’t want to go through all that again.

This morning Husband took me to Wal-Mart. I know, fun capital of the world!  But, since I have a hard time even walking around a store, so I don’t get out of the house much, this really was an event for me.  Especially since I made it through the whole list I made.  It was pretty uneventful until we left.

As we walked out to the car we saw a car waiting on someone leaving to get that parking place, and a car behind them. The person putting groceries into the car that was being waited on was a little old lady, and I could tell as soon as I saw the situation that there was no way this lovely senior citizen was going to be done getting everything out of the cart and into the car before Husband got all of our stuff in the car and we were ready to leave.

This is important because the woman waiting for the spot was waiting in front of our car, so we couldn’t back out. And understand, right now I have to use a cane to walk, so it’s not like we move fast.  I don’t have anything for handicapped parking, because hopefully this isn’t going to last forever.  So, we weren’t parked right up front, but close enough that this woman really wanted the little old lady’s spot.

Sure enough, Husband put the stuff in the car, put the cart into the cart holder, and got into the car while the little old lady was still puttering around. So of course, since she had room, the lady waiting for the spot backed up enough for us to get our car out, right?  Because the car behind her backed up to give her more room to do that.  And because Husband had backed up, showing her we wanted to leave.  Nope, the stupid woman didn’t even acknowledge our car had moved.

Husband finally got out of the car and waved his arms at her to back up, to which she gestured she was waiting for the little old lady to be done, and turned her head. Husband got back into the car.  I so wanted to get out of the car and start waving my cane around in a somewhat threating manner, and I probably had plenty of time, but I didn’t.

Finally the little old lady made it out of the spot, and the stupid idiot woman got out of our way. I know I shouldn’t be amazed at the stupid idiot woman’s lack of courtesy, but I am.  I would never do anything like that, either would Husband, and we hopefully taught Oldest One to never do that.  If I, gimpy with a cane, park farther back in the lot and manage to walk, you can bet I have no patience with someone with no problems other than laziness doing this so she can be closer to the door.

I see a lot of people ignore what I think is common courtesy. When I point it out Husband always reminds me it is because those people are much more important than anyone else (sarcasm here, in case it’s not coming through).  I try hard to be courteous and polite to everyone.  It’s not hard to do, it doesn’t cost anything, and most people appreciate it.  I don’t understand why common courtesy seems to be so difficult.

Since I’m not going to solve that problem right now, I think I’ll just have some chocolate covered raisins (bought during my Wal-Mart outing) and read some good blogs. Because chocolate and good blogs always make my day better!

Parent Friends…or Not?

Yes, today will be a rant, and maybe even a whine.  But this has been on my mind all week (remember, I am stuck in a recliner all day), and I decided all of you would just Love to let me get it all out, so I quite thinking about it, and can get on with life.  Or at least reading all of your wonderful blogs that keep me going and sane right now.  Okay, here we go…

Last week I was sick, and couldn’t make the football game. I loathe when that happens because I hate to miss seeing Little One cheer.  But, with the way seating happened, all I would have seen were people’s rear ends, which while some would have been nice to gaze at, would have irritated me because they would have blocked the cheerleaders.

There is a group of us that sit together at the games. Husband and I usually arrive early, and then try to make sure there is room for the others.  Now, we don’t see these parents outside of school events, but we all chat, and we see each other through football and basketball season, so we are together a lot.  At the games we chat, we cheer for our kids, and we have a good time.

Husband went by himself to the game. Little One would have been really upset without a parent showing up, and he loves to watch the kids play football.  After all this time we know most of the kids who play.  He had his folding chair, and when he arrived, no one had saved him a place.  And no one offered to move to make room for him.  And he barely got a hello.  Everyone had to move shortly after this to the parking lot behind a chain link fence, and again no one in the group made any effort to include him.  He chatted with other people during the game, but he didn’t feel part of it all like he usually does.

When he got home and told me this it really peeved me. One of the Moms knew I was sick and couldn’t make the game.  I would have saved a place for her husband, and made sure Husband knew he was flying solo and to chat with him.  What we got was the opposite, which besides getting me mad, also made me question the friendships.  Which has made it difficult this past week to interact with the Mom I text with a lot.

What do these parent friendships, where we sit together weekly at games for our kids, chat, and get to know each other really mean? I frequently bring their kids to my house after school when their parents are at work, and take them to the game or get them to the school to ride the van to the game.  I’ve had a parent bring Little One home a couple of times when I’ve had a doctor’s appointment.  I know we don’t have life long bonds going here, but I thought there was a definite group where we sat together, and looked forward to being together weekly.  Perhaps I was wrong.

I’m not going to say anything to any of them tomorrow, because it would just cause unnecessary drama. And it wouldn’t make a difference; I can see the blank looks I’d get for asking why they didn’t make a place for him at the last game.  And, it also feels wrong to me to bring it up.  But I will be seeing everyone in a different way, and interacting with them differently.  I can’t help it.  They’ll put it down to my not feeling well, and being in pain.  Because we see what we want to see.  And right now, I see people who really aren’t friends.

I Don’t Want Them to Cry

Dating.   Relationship.  Boyfriend.  All words as a parent I’m just not that fond of.  And luckily haven’t really had to deal with.  I’ve seen Oldest One’s friends go through relationships and angst, and I’ve even hugged some as they cried because the boy didn’t want to be with them anymore.  Oldest One had a couple of boys hurt her feelings, but she didn’t really date.  Little One has already had a boy make her cry.  I know it is a part of life, but I hate to see my girls cry, especially over a boy who just isn’t worth it.  Yes, that is so parent talk to say that.

Last night I stayed up late to chat with Oldest One. We talked about grades, and her roommate, and an upcoming sorority event she is really excited about.  And then she mentioned B.  It’s not the first time I’ve heard about him, but I wasn’t too excited to hear he was back, because from a parental view he is nothing but bad news.

She met B along with a bunch of other kids in the dorm when school started. She thought he was cute, and he seemed to like her.  Then he started to spend time with another girl in the dorm, G.  But G said she wasn’t spending time with him, he said he wasn’t spending time with her, but yet there they were together.  And it seemed they were, from what she heard from others in the dorm, losing their clothes when they were together.  It happens.  Then it turned out B had a girlfriend back home.  Quite the player, at least in my mind.

So Oldest One and I talked about it, after she quit talking to him. We talked about how it was better to find all this out about him early, and about how she wanted someone who would treat her a lot better than that.  Someone who would respect her, and wouldn’t lie about things.  You know, someone decent.  Because there was nothing I heard about this kid that was good.  He’s young, he can do what he wants and say what he wants, just not with my daughter.

But last night she said they are talking, and there were circumstances she didn’t know about. She of course didn’t go into those circumstances with me.  I asked her why she would want to consider being with someone who lied and didn’t respect her, and she went back to these circumstances.  Apparently these circumstances absolve him of all lies and rude behavior.  I said if she wanted to be friends that’s great, be friends with the world.  But don’t date someone who doesn’t respect you and who isn’t nice to you.  I asked her what she would say to someone telling her all of this.  Apparently I overstepped my parental bounds at that point because she got irritated with me and cut that conversation off.  But not before telling me he might be one of our Thanksgiving guests.  Yippee.

I have a lot more I’d like to say to her, but I know I have to let her get hurt if she decides to date him. It’s not like I didn’t have a B in college, I did, and I’m pretty sure he was worse than this guy.  And a whole lot older.  But I remember how much it hurt, and I wasn’t even in love with my B.  But I sure liked him a whole lot, and I was willing to overlook a lot of things I shouldn’t have.  It was a good learning experience, and I know I have to let her have her learning experiences with relationships.

I just don’t want to see her hurt, and upset, and crying. I don’t care that it’s a part of life and growing up and figuring out who you are and what you want in a person.  I want to keep my daughters from getting hurt, which is impossible.  So I’ll do my best, instead, to be there when I’m needed.  I’ll listen when she needs me to, and try to not criticize and put B down.  When things don’t work out, I’ll support her, and send a lot of chocolate.  Most of all, I’ll continue to love her unconditionally.

So Painful!

Yesterday I was lucky enough to drive to Big Name Clinic for a test. This test is important, because it will determine which specialist I see next, and be another step closer to getting off the recliner and getting my life back.

Husband drove me there, both because I just can’t really drive, and because I knew this test would be painful, so it was good to have him with me. We got there in plenty of time, signed in, and sat down in the very crowded waiting area to wait for my name to be called.  They don’t call just first names, they use a person’s first and last name, so there won’t be confusion over which Bob is being called.  Or so they hope.

So they call Mrs. Broad, and Husband and I stand up and go with the nice lady with the clipboard. This couple, an older (older than me at least) couple stood up and started walking at the same time, but another name had been called by another person, so it was all good.  Except this couple seemed determined to trip me and my cane up, and were crowding Husband and me as we tried to walk and follow our escort.  We got to a break in the hallway, and suddenly Husband and I are standing with our escort, and with this other couple.  The other woman looks at us and asks if we are with the escort.  Um, yes, they called my name.  She said, well, they called out Broad, so she just got up and went.  Since she wasn’t Mrs. Broad, but Other Broad, she had to go back out in the waiting area.  People, please listen!

The test I was having was an EMG, in which electricity is shot through my nerves in 2 different ways. I know, what fun!  The first part was using electrodes stuck to various areas on my legs.  The RN put the electrodes in place, and held them down, and the Tech manned the computer.  The first pulse is small, than bigger, Bigger BIGger, BIGGEST.  It was great.  And painful.  I got a break in between each series as they measured the distance between electrodes, and then moved them to a different place on my leg.  They finished, but came back because the Dr. wanted more done, and on both legs, and started it up again.  I asked if they had people scream or cry, and they said yes, some people couldn’t finish the test.  I held tight to the table and breathed, but I didn’t Scream!  Score for me!

The second part was done by the Dr., and he stuck small needles into the nerves, and then sent electricity through them. He was listening to my nerves talk to each other, but to me it sounded like static.  Was this part painful? Yes, much worse than the first part.  After the first zap Husband jumped up and gave me his hand.  He actually had both his hands wrapped around my hand as I squeezed his hand hard, and concentrated on breathing.  The Dr. and Husband both told me I did great.  I googled about this after the test, and came up with headings about people screaming through all of this.  I didn’t scream, and I didn’t pass out, so all in all I was pretty proud of myself

The one thing I hadn’t expected was how I would feel afterwards. I’ve had an EMG done on my arm, and I just went about my day.  Yesterday though, I was sick.  I could barely walk to the car, and didn’t want to talk on the drive home.  I just wanted to get into bed.  Oldest One called when we were almost home, and I chatted for a few minutes then gave the phone to Husband, and let him talk for a while, and he told me what was happening in her life.  I felt awful all night, like I had the flu.  I couldn’t find anyone else when I googled who felt sick, so I have no idea why that part happened.

I find out the results tomorrow, so today I’m going to relax in the recliner and not think about it, or at least try not to. I still don’t feel myself, so I think reading and watching TV are going to be my big goals.  And petting White Fluffy Dog, because that makes both of us happy.