Lately I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts. Discombobulated. More stressed than usual. I just don’t know why this is happening. Nothing has changed drastically, I still have a wonderful family with a crazy schedule, yet I’m not enjoying everything the way I usually do.
Maybe it is because we have one extra parent club, and that just sent me over the edge. Maybe I’m worried about how to cover all the upcoming expenses. Maybe I don’t eat enough chocolate. No, I’m pretty sure I eat way too much chocolate. Whatever the reason I am ready for it to stop.
Driving into work today I realized my supervisor stressed me out. A few weeks ago my team was at lunch. I am the only person who drives, everyone else takes the bus. I really like my alone time in the car listening to music because it helps me transition. The day we were at lunch I had been late due to freeway accidents, and so had one of my co-workers. My supervisor actually said that if someone rides the bus and they are late it isn’t their fault because they have no control over driving the bus, but if you drive yourself you just need to leave earlier and plan better. Because I have control over traffic, right? This morning traffic was awful and I started to grip the steering wheel more and check the time more, which is not usual for me. I realized right then that her comment really made my drive in a lot more stressful.
I leave at the same time every day, and today I actually left early. If I am late because traffic is bad I stay later. I don’t make a habit of coming in late and trying to leave early. Yet now, even though it took me a while to realize it, I am suddenly hyper-aware of traffic, accidents, what time I leave and what time I make it in the door at work. I really like my job, so this new piece of stress just makes me see my supervisor in a bad light.
That isn’t the only cause of course, but at least I identified something new. I’m pretty sure the situation with my Mom is a major cause, but one I’m not yet willing to work with. I can beat myself up enough, Thank You. The girls, being teenagers, can of course be a part of my wanting to crawl in bed and hide under the covers, but they haven’t been too bad lately. I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.
I know that everyone goes through cycles, and I am probably just in a down cycle as far as mood. I still find many happy moments in my days, and I laugh a lot. So I can’t be doing too bad. I just feel that I lost some of my Pollyanna, and I’d like to have her back.