Unconditional Love. Two words, but they can mean so much. I know I have it for my girls, and for Husband. But not everyone gets it. Look around, its absence is everywhere. But I’m not necessarily talking about the obvious, the beatings and abuse. Sometimes it’s the kind that we can pretend we have, but we don’t, or at least we are made to feel we don’t have it.
I look at my girls, and I know what I never want to say to them, and how I never want to treat them. A list might be:
- You’re fat
- You need to go on a diet / I’m putting you on a diet
- Anyone else would have had a date with that boy before he left our house
- You’re stupid / You’re an idiot
- They couldn’t find anyone better for the job?
- Your sister did a better job when she did it
I could go on, but the point has been made. Yes, yes, I do have low self-esteem at times. Which Husband is always boosting, he luckily thinks I am beautiful and smart, and truly understands why I have the urge to hide chocolate. He’ll even pretend not to see it when I fall back into doing that.
I am a happy person, and I consider myself lucky/blessed with my family (Husband and girls). It doesn’t stop me from feeling that in certain parts of my life there isn’t Unconditional Love. Yet I feel there should be, and I’m being shorted. Most of the time I look back and the memories I don’t want can be pushed into a little box and covered. Until they all come bursting out and hit me, and make me feel like a complete loser.
I know the saying that no one but me can make me feel a particular way. But sometimes people or things said and done can make me feel a certain way, and that is just how it is going to be. And I am determined I won’t make my girls feel these things. They are smart and I tell them and praise their good grades. I help them stay active and try to keep the garbage food level down. I truly don’t favor one over the other, and I try to let them know that also. They are each unique and amazing, and I couldn’t choose, because I love each so much. I let them know I am proud of the people they are growing up to be. When they do something I’d rather they didn’t, I try to frame it in a way that is about the action, but not about their being smart or not. Do I always succeed with this? Probably not. But I know I haven’t done any of the things on the list.
I know I’m not the only person to feel I’m not loved unconditionally, and I know I can do my best to make sure my girls and Husband never think I feel that way about them. I also know that I’m not willing to share how I feel with those that tell me I’m silly for the feelings, or that it is my ego so I should get over it. I also, after all these years, really don’t want to deal with people who have so little regard for how they make me feel. And maybe I don’t have to. I’m big on forgiving and forgetting, and giving people chance after chance after chance. But there comes a time when you feel you don’t have any chances left in you.
And maybe, that’s okay.