Still Sick Little One

Husband had to take Little One to the doctor yesterday.  She got her nasty, awful cough Saturday night, and it was getting worse.  She has a sinus infection, so she was out of school yesterday, and I convinced her to stay home today.

She really felt awful.  Last night, as I was relaxing in the recliner, she tried to climb in and sit with me.  She is 15, and almost my height…and I’m 5” 6 1/2”.  I suggested we sit on the couch together, and after moving Fluffy White Dog twice (he was not impressed with me), I was able to hold her while she cuddled next to me feeling miserable.  Yep, I loved feeling needed!

Husband thought it was funny, so he took a couple of Snap Chat videos of it, but Little One didn’t think he was funny, so she hid under the blanket.  After she went to bed she texted me (teenagers!) and asked me to come upstairs…she wanted me to lay on her bed until she fell asleep.  Much as I would have loved to do that, neither of the dogs were open to me laying on the bed next to her, and I was really tired, and needed to be able to get up for work.  So I laid down, with a dog on my head, for a while, so she could get comfortable.

As Husband put it, if I could have, I would have spent 3 hours laying in her bed, or cuddling her on the couch.  I don’t get many requests to hold my girls anymore, and it’s usually when they are sick that they ask.  It can be tricky figuring out how to best be the Mom of a high school and a college student, but it is never hard to figure out how to love, support, and hug them when needed.

Being a (Temporary) Misfit

This is my 3rd week back to work.  In many ways it feels like I never left, but then it becomes apparent I was gone for 7 months.

The hardest part is not knowing my place anymore.  I had only been in my new position two months when I went out on leave (but with the organization doing this job two years).  I knew my purpose, and what I was doing, and where I was needed.  Even on leave I helped out a bit when things got backlogged.  But now, I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do or where I fit in.

Two new people were hired to do the same type of job I do.  This had been planned, but the first one was supposed to be hired a year after me, with the third a year after that.  My being gone precipitated moving the hiring timeline up.  I’m still the senior person in the position, for whatever that’s worth.

I find myself not doing what everyone else is doing, because nothing is being sent my way.  It takes a good year to truly learn the processes, and feel like one has a handle on things.  The new people are in their 4th month.  But even though I’ve answered questions and done training for them, I’m still lost.

Not much work is heading my way.  I know this is only my 3rd week, but I’m the kind of person who prefers to be busy.  I like it when I don’t know how I’ll get everything done, but then I do.  I’m taking on some special projects, by request, because I want to get involved and get busy.  I’m excited to be involved in these, and it will open doors for future projects, but it’s not quite what I expected.

In my job I loved – and still love – in an organization I think is great among people I actually like to work with I’m feeling like a fish out of water.  It’s a really uncomfortable feeling.  I’m sure it will be fine soon, because I’m always optimistic.  But in a place where I used to know most things going on I now don’t know anything going on, and no one is asking me to join in and figure it out.  And jumping in isn’t helping.  I don’t like feeling like a misfit in a place I considered home.

Sick Little One

My Little One is sick.  A cold, making her stuffy, sore throat probably from her nose draining, and she feels worn out.  This is a peppy teenager, very energetic, so when she just wants to lay on the couch with a blanket you know she feels lousy.

Of course she wouldn’t stay home from school yesterday, and today she has basketball games to cheer.  I’m giving her Dayquil, which is about all I can do from work with her at school.  She also doesn’t want to miss math class.  I give her points for not wanting to miss class or cheering the games.

After she went to bed last night she texted me (I was downstairs) and asked me to come up to her room, which I did.  She wanted to be hugged, and she wanted me to lay on the bed next to her for a few minutes.  This is a rarity, so I gladly hugged and kept her company.  I was actually a bit sad when she told me goodnight and gave me a kiss on the check, to let me know I could leave the room.

Both of the girls loved to cuddle when they were little, but of course grew out of it as they got older.  I’m only called Mommy now when they are sick, need help, or need money.  I understand, and actually I’d probably feel weird if they called me Mommy at a school event because that isn’t who they are.

So, even though I dislike Little One is sick, I admit it is nice to be needed, and for her to want hugs, and to want Mommy to take care of her.  By the end of the week she’ll be fine, and bouncing off the walls, and ready to go conquer the world.  And for me to drive her around to conquer the world!

Not Sure What to Think

I’m not sure if I was insulted or complimented this morning.

It took me over an hour to get to work, which is kind of stressful.  I’m not really enjoying my new work hours because the drive is so bad.  But, I made it to the parking lot, parked, zipped up my too big jacket, slung my lunch bag and purse over my shoulder, and started the walk to the building.

I have to cross a major street to get from the parking lot to my work building.  Today it is really windy, so all my very long hair was blowing everywhere.  I kind of got it under control by the time I got to the stoplight.  Where I was standing, waiting for the light to change so I could cross.

Along comes this truck with a business logo, with a man in it.  He slowed down, was looking at me, and honked his horn.  I was the only one at the stoplight at that time.  I looked at the guy as he drove away and thought “Really?  Did that just happen?”

I’m in my late 40’s.  I’ll be married 20 years next month.  I don’t think of myself (and probably never did) as someone guys in trucks honk at.  I may think of myself as a hot mess, but not a hot mama (as one of my friends said I was in commenting about this).

Not knowing a thing about this man, except he is someone who will honk at a lone woman at a stoplight, I guess I should take it as a compliment.  As Husband says, it is always best to assume good intentions, and I think that can apply to this situation.  And it’s better than getting a creepy feeling, which is the other way this can go.

So today, I am a Hot Mama! Let the day continue on!

Enjoying My Little One

I had a 3 day weekend, which was great.  What was even better was how much time I got to spend with Little One.  She is at that moody, sometimes unpredictable teenage girl stage (only moody with Husband and me, of course), so I’m never sure what to expect.  I know she’ll come out of it, but she started two years earlier than Oldest One…does that mean she’ll get out of it sooner?

Friday I went right from work to watch her cheer at first a Varsity girls basketball game, and then at the Varsity boys basketball game.  Fun, but exhausting.  I love to watch her cheer; she completely lights up and you can hear her loud voice over any yelling crowd.  Then we got to eat dinner at 10p at night while watching TV together.  All in all a very good day.

Saturday I took her shopping.  Again, I never know what to expect, but we had a lot of fun together.  She needed some new tops, some yoga pants for cheer practice, and some jeans.  We went to four places, and we stopped for ice cream.  We chatted, we were silly, and we just had a great time being together.  She even called her big sister to tell her how much fun she had.  I love the times when we are just together and bonding, so Saturday was an awesome day.

My Little One is growing way too fast.  I knew she would, but it was easier watching this happen with Oldest One, because Little One was still little.  Now I know this is it, and once she leaves for college my babies aren’t babies anymore.  They will still need Husband and me, and they will still will want to come home, but they are on the path to their lives.  It’s good, because that is what you hope to raise your kids to do, become independent adults.  But it’s staring me in the face, and as I’ve said before, I’m so not ready.  I doubt in three and a half years I’ll be ready.

So I actually try to enjoy the moodiness, the eye rolls, and the impatience with parents who aren’t too bright.  Because it will be gone all too soon, and although it is nice when they realize you do know things, it also means they are away at college and need advice.  I try to embrace her messiness (and she is one incredibly messy kid; I don’t know how she does it!) as much as I embrace her silliness.  I’m just trying to enjoy it all, because by tomorrow I’ll be driving her to college.  Which, again, is a good thing.  But I’m just not going to be ready for this, ever.

2nd Time is the Charm!

I’ve been gone for a while again, but it was for a better reason.  The doctors finally figured out the issue, I had surgery, and I’m back to work!  All of my extreme leg pain that caused me to barely walk, not be able to sit, and have problems standing was caused by my left ovary.  Which I no longer have.  It’s a very rare condition (of course!), which is why it took so long to be diagnosed.  And, I have a lot of back issues, so with the way the pain was, it seemed to be coming from my back.

I just want to jump back into life, and all of its activities.  I can’t, because I spent so many months barely able to move, but I feel like I missed so much that I want to make up for lost time right now.  So I’m doing as much as I can each day, and then falling into the recliner to recover.  It’s so wonderful to wear pants again, and to know I can just get in the car and go to the store if I need something, and that I’m not dependent on Husband to make it happen.

My family was amazing, and I couldn’t have made it through all of this without them.  I truly do have the best and most amazing Husband in the world.  It fell to him to do everything, including clothes shopping with Oldest One for sorority rush clothes, and going to the dance store with Little One for school dance class items.  He did it without complaint.  He drove, cleaned, cooked, shopped, and went to doctor’s appointments, procedures, and surgeries.  I know there is a lot more he did, but you get the idea.  He was there to make me smile, cheer me up, make sure I ate, hold my hand, and just be the most incredible all round best friend and Husband anybody could ask for.  I am truly blessed being married to him.

The girls were great too.  They got used to me just lying there, but they did a lot of getting me things, watching TV with me, talking to me, and helping me.  Oldest One did household shopping before she left for college, and she called me several times a week to chat and see how I was.  Little One would make sure I was comfortable, and keep me company, and was very happy to tell me about her day in detail.  My girls both cheered me up and kept me going through all of this.  I love them so very much!

I can’t say I’ll write every day, or even every week, but I’ll make an effort.  Getting back into the swing of things, and starting to run around again, as well as working full-time is going to keep me busy and exhausted for a while.  But writing and reading all of the wonderful blogs I follow truly helped me to keep going, so I don’t want to feel cut off from all of it.  And once I find my groove again, I’m sure it will include time to write, post, and read.

So for now, I hope everyone is enjoying the New Year, and that life is treating you well!

Emotional

I’ve had a lot of emotions in the past 24 hours.  It happens when the unexpected happens.  I’ve cried more than I expected, but then I didn’t expect to cry.  I’ve laughed a lot too.  I’ve worried.  I’ve been confused.  I don’t think I’ve been angry, which is good.

Life throws a lot at us.  I’ve had a lot thrown at me lately, which seems okay, because you’re given what you can handle.  So obviously I can handle it.  And I have Husband right by my side, and together we’ve managed to figure it out.  But what if it might be out of our control?

I have a lot of questions I can’t answer today, that no one can answer.  There will be answers, I just have to wait.  Which is difficult.  And I’m not really all that patient.  And I think I might be scared, a little.  If I let myself think.  Which I’m trying not to.

The Same, But Different

People often tell me how much my girls look like each other.  Or have the same mannerisms, or even personality.  When Little One went from contacts to glasses, at school the next day she heard from everyone how much she looked like her big sister.  People who know Little One first will tell Oldest One how much she looks like her little sister when they meet her.  I know the girls don’t mind when people say that, so I always smile, and say they do resemble each other/have the same smile/wave the same way.  And they do.  But, they don’t.

It’s obvious they are related, but as their Mom I see the differences.  I really don’t think they look alike, even though they do.  I see them with totally different personalities, even though they have a lot of the same quirks.  I’m sure it is because I’m their Mom that I see all the differences, and that I want to celebrate their differences, even as I think it is great people see them as so similar.

As the Mom, I’ve learned that it’s important I do see their differences.  The other day Little One had her friend over, and they were watching TV in the family room with me.  They were watching Sponge Bob, and the commercials were all toys for younger kids, so I make a joke about the age of the viewer being targeted and her age.  Oldest One would have come back with some smart remark, and on we would go trying to up each other with remarks, and laughing.  Little One got mad right away, turned off the TV, and took her friend upstairs.

I’ve always tried to be very fair with the girls, and make sure I meet their needs in the best way for them, and not their sister.  But no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t always work.  And, as I saw the other day, even how I joke with them needs to be different.  I don’t see that as a bad thing, just something I need to be mindful of.  I want my girls to grow up to be strong woman who believe in themselves and their capabilities.  I don’t want to ever make one feel inferior to the other, or that they have to be each other.

Yesterday I let Little One pick the movie (one of the too many Hallmark Holiday movies we’ve got on the DVR) and we had a great time watching the movie, getting mad at the mean character, and cheering for the main character.  We even made plans to do hot chocolate one night this week.  Oldest One would not have liked the movie, been bored, and started on her phone.  She would have been completely on board for the hot chocolate.  Different kids, different likes.

I’m glad the girls don’t mind other people seeing how alike they look and act.  I’m glad they are close enough that they even point it out to others.  I just need to remember, and embrace, their differences, so that they feel understood and loved for what makes them special as individuals.

Stupid Idiot Woman

Computer issues have kept me busy for the past 2 days, and unable to use my laptop. Since I’m trapped in the recliner, the laptop is my lifeline for everything.  I’m pretty sure it caught the virus from the pop-up ads that kept appearing when I was reading my favorite cartoon…I was a month behind.  I’ll have to find a new place to read it, since I don’t want to go through all that again.

This morning Husband took me to Wal-Mart. I know, fun capital of the world!  But, since I have a hard time even walking around a store, so I don’t get out of the house much, this really was an event for me.  Especially since I made it through the whole list I made.  It was pretty uneventful until we left.

As we walked out to the car we saw a car waiting on someone leaving to get that parking place, and a car behind them. The person putting groceries into the car that was being waited on was a little old lady, and I could tell as soon as I saw the situation that there was no way this lovely senior citizen was going to be done getting everything out of the cart and into the car before Husband got all of our stuff in the car and we were ready to leave.

This is important because the woman waiting for the spot was waiting in front of our car, so we couldn’t back out. And understand, right now I have to use a cane to walk, so it’s not like we move fast.  I don’t have anything for handicapped parking, because hopefully this isn’t going to last forever.  So, we weren’t parked right up front, but close enough that this woman really wanted the little old lady’s spot.

Sure enough, Husband put the stuff in the car, put the cart into the cart holder, and got into the car while the little old lady was still puttering around. So of course, since she had room, the lady waiting for the spot backed up enough for us to get our car out, right?  Because the car behind her backed up to give her more room to do that.  And because Husband had backed up, showing her we wanted to leave.  Nope, the stupid woman didn’t even acknowledge our car had moved.

Husband finally got out of the car and waved his arms at her to back up, to which she gestured she was waiting for the little old lady to be done, and turned her head. Husband got back into the car.  I so wanted to get out of the car and start waving my cane around in a somewhat threating manner, and I probably had plenty of time, but I didn’t.

Finally the little old lady made it out of the spot, and the stupid idiot woman got out of our way. I know I shouldn’t be amazed at the stupid idiot woman’s lack of courtesy, but I am.  I would never do anything like that, either would Husband, and we hopefully taught Oldest One to never do that.  If I, gimpy with a cane, park farther back in the lot and manage to walk, you can bet I have no patience with someone with no problems other than laziness doing this so she can be closer to the door.

I see a lot of people ignore what I think is common courtesy. When I point it out Husband always reminds me it is because those people are much more important than anyone else (sarcasm here, in case it’s not coming through).  I try hard to be courteous and polite to everyone.  It’s not hard to do, it doesn’t cost anything, and most people appreciate it.  I don’t understand why common courtesy seems to be so difficult.

Since I’m not going to solve that problem right now, I think I’ll just have some chocolate covered raisins (bought during my Wal-Mart outing) and read some good blogs. Because chocolate and good blogs always make my day better!

Parent Friends…or Not?

Yes, today will be a rant, and maybe even a whine.  But this has been on my mind all week (remember, I am stuck in a recliner all day), and I decided all of you would just Love to let me get it all out, so I quite thinking about it, and can get on with life.  Or at least reading all of your wonderful blogs that keep me going and sane right now.  Okay, here we go…

Last week I was sick, and couldn’t make the football game. I loathe when that happens because I hate to miss seeing Little One cheer.  But, with the way seating happened, all I would have seen were people’s rear ends, which while some would have been nice to gaze at, would have irritated me because they would have blocked the cheerleaders.

There is a group of us that sit together at the games. Husband and I usually arrive early, and then try to make sure there is room for the others.  Now, we don’t see these parents outside of school events, but we all chat, and we see each other through football and basketball season, so we are together a lot.  At the games we chat, we cheer for our kids, and we have a good time.

Husband went by himself to the game. Little One would have been really upset without a parent showing up, and he loves to watch the kids play football.  After all this time we know most of the kids who play.  He had his folding chair, and when he arrived, no one had saved him a place.  And no one offered to move to make room for him.  And he barely got a hello.  Everyone had to move shortly after this to the parking lot behind a chain link fence, and again no one in the group made any effort to include him.  He chatted with other people during the game, but he didn’t feel part of it all like he usually does.

When he got home and told me this it really peeved me. One of the Moms knew I was sick and couldn’t make the game.  I would have saved a place for her husband, and made sure Husband knew he was flying solo and to chat with him.  What we got was the opposite, which besides getting me mad, also made me question the friendships.  Which has made it difficult this past week to interact with the Mom I text with a lot.

What do these parent friendships, where we sit together weekly at games for our kids, chat, and get to know each other really mean? I frequently bring their kids to my house after school when their parents are at work, and take them to the game or get them to the school to ride the van to the game.  I’ve had a parent bring Little One home a couple of times when I’ve had a doctor’s appointment.  I know we don’t have life long bonds going here, but I thought there was a definite group where we sat together, and looked forward to being together weekly.  Perhaps I was wrong.

I’m not going to say anything to any of them tomorrow, because it would just cause unnecessary drama. And it wouldn’t make a difference; I can see the blank looks I’d get for asking why they didn’t make a place for him at the last game.  And, it also feels wrong to me to bring it up.  But I will be seeing everyone in a different way, and interacting with them differently.  I can’t help it.  They’ll put it down to my not feeling well, and being in pain.  Because we see what we want to see.  And right now, I see people who really aren’t friends.